3 pieces of advice for sisters wanting to get married (from a brother)

3 pieces of advice for sisters wanting to get married (from a brother):

Bismillah.

***POINT ONE***

Try your best to go through family, friends, Muslim organizations initially
This will save you the hassle of using websites or apps.

The problem with apps especially, is that men have the perception that the women on their have been approached by many men.
And as a result, the men aren’t serious, and are usually looking for dating or other things.
Websites are better than apps (pure matrimony, half our deen, etc.).
And if the app has a chaperone (mahram) function, use it.
But ultimately, you are always taking risk with anything online, and people can often portray themselves as something else, and end up wasting a lot of your time.
Or worse, apps and websites are addictive for both brothers & sisters, and its implications can even damage our character or personality.
Nevertheless, the first option is probably the best, safest, and most promising: family, friends, Islamic organizations, Imams, women counsellors, learning how to network in general, and even considering marrying people from back home (I know many sisters don’t like this option, but the truth is, guys from back home are sometimes more serious, more practicing, have better values, better looking, and because of the global village we live in, they’re already familiar with Western & Eastern culture).

***POINT TWO***

How to communicate / write your profile or bio / and portray yourself

Keep it short.  Long profiles are interpreted as someone who’s picky/argumentative.

 

Keep it friendly.
Be clear and demonstrate that you have dignity and compassion:

Sample profile:
“Asalamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatahu,

I hope everyone is well and I wish everyone the best on here!

My name is XYZ….I was born in XYZ and raised in XYZ…

 

I currently work in the XYZ field (part-time) or I’m currently taking care of my family, studying deen, volunteering, etc.

I am looking for a man who prays 5 times a day or at least tries to pray 5 times a day, who wants to raise a family, and study our deen together, and whose goals I can support…
I am looking for a brother who has a well developed personality, well rounded, compassionate. No body is perfect, but at least someone who cares…
In terms of my personality and hobbies….

A bit about my family and upbringing and the values I was taught…expectations and what I believe about respecting my husband….

I am not materialistic and do believe in big weddings. I’d rather spend money on charity, education, etc.
I believe in doing things the halal way because that’s what has baraqah. I do not believe in prolonging things and allowing emotions to get involved (because compatibility should be sought first), and therefore after istikhara and doing some due diligence, I believe two people serious about marriage should at least get their nikkah. Think of the person you’re talking to just like you’d want someone to approach your daughter, sister, mother, etc.

Feel free to ask me anything!”

 

^^^Obviously, you can rephrase and shorten the above…it’s not perfect.
Disclaimer:
In conversation, be weary of how much you want to disclose about your past, past sins, a possible relationship, meetings, etc.

Men are weary about women with baggage and/or personality issues (hot temper, argumentative, ill-intentioned, crazies, etc.).
Moreover, a man doesn’t want to fall into humiliation. And naturally, men have an aspect of protective jealousy and chivalry within them.

Therefore, knowing that even if “one man” was interested in their women, might hurt them. So be very, very, very careful of how you portray and project this particular point.
I can’t stress this enough. This isn’t just Muslim men, but men in general. The man that wants you to be the mother of his children, does not want to know or hear about past interactions with men you’ve had, even if it was professional and with a coworker (hence, why I recommend women work in an environment with children and other women).

The men that enjoy being with promiscuous women or women who have been approached by many men, are only there for the short-term. They’re there to have fun and enjoy themselves, and are not there for the long-term, or to build a family.

 

You can disagree with this point (some women might), but it’s science and is how men were built.

 

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women.” (Qur’an 4:34)
Related to this point, please watch this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2Bpzrde9wc

 

***POINT THREE***

Listen, listen, listen.

A man who speak about his family, introducing you to his family, and uses the word “marriage,” is interested in marriage.

A man who avoids the word “marriage,” and is hides you from his family, is not interested in marrying you.
This is a generic number, but if by the second or third meeting, he’s not willing to tell his family about you, he may not ever intend to marry you.
One last point:

Muslim women (my dear sisters): do not be picky.

Don’t predicate everything on looks.
The reality is, a woman’s love develops over time for a man. They come to respect them.
Take the makeup off sometimes, and ask yourself, “what kind of marriage do I want?”
Do I want to marry an Amr Diab lookalike (not sure if he’s a thing anymore) so that I can show him off?
Or do I want to marry a cute guy with an amazing personality?
Lastly, make dua for yourself, for your community and Ummah, and for our hearts. Ameen.

Lastly:

Look up some Islamic lectures on marriage or seeking spouses on Youtube

Understand the elements in our society that are preventing marriage for your own awareness of the situation (hyper-sexualization, social ideologies, living expenses (economics), etc.). Leverage your awareness so that you can be wiser in your decision making.

Read the Qur’an (and read, memorize, and reflect on the duas pertaining to marriage), and read the Seerah and 40 hadeeth or Riyadh As-Saliheen.

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